Thinking about autumn
Autumn is approaching rapidly where I live. Every year I am terrified of this season, as it will bring darkness and cold weather, and with it the worst depressive episodes of the year. Yet it also gives me the chance to think back and compare to other years. How have I changed in the last couple of years? Maybe things are not as static as I imagine them to be?
Today, this made me realize that my fear of autumn is no longer what it was. In some years, it was positively terrifying and the fear caused me to fall into depressive moods much earlier than would have been “necessary“. This year, it is much different. I am able to look out of my window, or even go outside, and actually enjoy how autumn is slowly coloring everything in beautiful colors. This season no longer feels like an actual threat but the memory of past seasons makes me unconsciously expect autumn to be horrifying.
I decided a long time ago to start a blog but I never found the courage to actually do it. Now that I put myself out there, it is a bit like autumn: it was not actually that hard, and not actually that scary as I taught myself to believe.
Just writing something without trying to appear insightful or thought-through is still hard. I set myself the challenge to finish each of my blog posts in a certain amount of time, while skipping anything more than basic editing. This makes it much easier to not focus on what I am doing - it helps me not to overthink.
Which brings me back to autumn: when I manage to set aside the accumulated angst of past autumns, I can actually see this season in a different light. I can think of the season in the context of a whole year, and think of the world as breathing instead of dying. Usually, I see autumn as the warning of a dying world: everything becomes gray, trees lose their leaves, and plants die. Winter is coming and with it deepest darkness. The end is near. But what if this is actually a necessary part in the rhythm of our lives?
This year, I try to understand autumn as the earth breathing in. Plants are not dying, they are spreading their seeds and lay them into the soil to wake up next year. Trees are not losing their leaves, they are taking the color from the now gray sky and give it back to us. Everything around us is moving closer to the ground, but in spring the earth will breathe out again.
If I can see myself as part of this rhythm, autumn no longer feels like a terrifying signifier of death and darkness. Instead, it becomes a chance to focus on myself and try to find some light and warmth inside to give back to the world.
This won't be easy, especially if winter comes closer. My inner feelings tend to follow the weather quite closely, and when it becomes colder outside, I start to feel cold in my soul as well. But that's not how it has to be. Maybe this year will mark a change?