So gender euphoria is a thing
My world is spinning so quickly right now that I fear I will get dizzy or get flung out into space. In no small part is this due to lili's post about her trans journey.
Her post was an inspiring read, and I really admire how quickly she went from acknowledging her feelings to actually experimenting and transitioning. From the perspective of me as a very shy person, this shows incredible courage and strength - in a journey where you yourself and your own doubts are probably your worst enemy.
Name
It was an incredible feeling when she mentioned me and used my chosen name. My assigned name is quite ambiguous in certain circumstances so I'm used to being (mis-)misgendered - which I always took as a compliment. So it turns out that is not normal for us totally cis men? Anyway, I am still tentatively trying to find out if Elisa fits me best, or if I maybe should go by Emily? In the end, it probably doesn't matter that much right now: being addressed as a woman at all is enough to make me shiver of joy 🐣.
Thinking further about this, I remembered quickly that I tried to take on a female persona whenever and wherever it seemed possible: in the Internet, and when playing video games, for example. I even stopped playing games only because there was no option to play as a woman. One day, my brother asked why I was playing a female character in a game, and I was so surprised to learn that some men apparently voluntarily play as a male character when given the choice. Unbelievable.
Another day, my then-girlfriend shamed me into using my real, or at least any male-connoted name in a online forum. It was extremely uncomfortable for me, but she was a few years older than me and I was looking up her. It felt so utterly wrong - now I know why.
My anxiousness and uncertainty concerning my name is nothing new. In the past, I tried to fight against being misgendered (as in: read as female) simply to assert myself that I was male. It never worked, and it always felt off. Then I started to realize how flattering it felt to be misgendered (as in: read as female) because I liked being mistaken for a woman.
I still use the word misgendered here because it normally happens when someone accidentally mistakes my clearly male name for a clearly female one. Most people apologize and feel really embarrassed when they realize, and they get doubly confused when I don't mind at all.
Now that I see myself being addressed by others explicitly using a female name, I feel so much happiness that I can't really cope with it. There seems to be a big difference in being accidentally misgendered as a woman, and it being a conscious, respectful act by someone else.
Euphoria
Another thing I learned from lili's post is the term “gender euphoria”. I was familiar with the term “gender dysphoria” but euphoria makes so much sense. The joy it brings when you are feeling connected to your inner self through a gendered lens (that is forced on you by a binary society). Gender normally takes up so much of our time and energy, every single day. It's so unnecessary but it is so deeply ingrained in our socialization that we allow it to take that space. Of course being put into the right box after struggling for so long in the wrong one feels incredibly amazing - it's like coming home!
So that's what I'm feeling all week now! That's what makes me unable to stop smiling when I think about ✨being a woman✨! And that's what brings me so much joy when I think about the holiday in school where we all dressed up, and I was the only guy that went as a girl. The girls would take me in, and they tried to teach me their tricks, and to walk and talk like them. It was awesome but so confusing at that time!
Simply saying “I'm a girl” make me so happy right now. I experience it as easier to see myself as a “girl” than as a “woman”, even though I would never call myself a “boy”, and I always avoid having to call myself a “man”.
Diaries
Again inspired by you-know-who, I checked my diaries for clues as to when it all started to dawn on me. Thinking back, I can find many instances of situations that today make me go “aha!” and “now it all makes sense!” - but back then I was quite oblivious to it. It was around 2015 when I first noted down a tiny “f” in my diary, which I then continued for quite some years in my diary and on my to-do lists. The “f” stood for “female” and reminded me of situations when I felt like I was in the wrong body.
I never ever wrote down more than the “f” however - I was way too afraid that someone would accidentally read my notes, and get wind of these feelings. Especially so, since many of these notes would have regarded my penis, or rather its preferable absence. I was disgusted by it, and I wanted it gone. It was more than just being embarrassed in puberty for being a sexual being. It was a deep embarrassment of being a “man” which just... felt embarrassing. I remember discussions with my parents, teachers, and classmates, where I realized they were not embarrassed or ashamed of their gender. How could that be? It was a very confusing time.
All this and so much more is only encoded in the tiny little “f”s strewn all over my notes and planners. It was my silent way of screaming it into the world - I had to express it somehow but there was nowhere to turn to. So I gave much thought and energy into every one of the tiny “f”s. Incidentally, they are mixed with little “t”s for being pressingly suicidal - and I start to believe that there is a closer connection than I thought.
Looking forward
I am experiencing so much joy and happiness at the moment that it starts affecting my work and my sleep. Do you know the feeling when you can't sleep because your mind doesn't stop overthinking some stupid little mistake from five years ago? Well, I'm very used to that cause of sleep deprivation. Being unable to sleep because you're happy is such a strange experience for me that it feels absolutely unreal. Actually, being happy at all feels absolutely unreal.
Pitty-pattering in your chest, feeling so much happiness that you could jump and sing? That is something I usually feel once in a few years. That is something I associate with falling in love, and not something that could possibly be caused by myself. Feeling all warm and fuzzy? Feeling like I belong? That's alien to me. I'm depressed, two weeks ago I was alarmingly suicidal again - and now this!
Even though I am more than a bit afraid of the eventual end of these feelings, I want to enjoy them now while they last. So thank you Internet, thank you lili, and thank you herman for building this little platform. 💝
P.S. Thank you me for not sabotaging me immediately as you usually do!