Floating Flinders

On my way to new beginnings

Writing has never been one of my strengths, yet doing anything periodically for a prolonged length of time even less so. With this new blog, I am trying to change both of these issues while magically fixing my life.

Let's jump right into it. I have been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried medications, have been to stationary care, and have been handed over time and again from one puzzled therapist to the next. Nothing has changed1.

So why do I expect this exercise to make a difference? The truth is, I am not. I am still planning to this, though, because who knows? Maybe talking to the random wilderness of the Internet will finally give me something that I was missing before. Maybe it will also just be for nothing, like any of the other countless things I have tried. And to be complete, maybe it will make things worse in unimaginable ways.

Writing this has cost me more energy than I am willing to admit. Writing it has also forced me to get out there and say things to random strangers who most certainly do not care - but I am not sure whether I am more afraid of this getting lost in the depths of the Internet, or of the possibility that something could come back. But I am doing this step in confidence2 and with hope3 in my heart.

I am closing this post without having talked about struggling with the idea of perhaps being trans, without having touched the topics of sexual orientation, bullying, and utter loneliness. There is much darkness to discover, much despair to explore, and many dreams to dream. I am proud of having written this much, and I am terrified of writing anything more. Let's hope I will still continue posting - or maybe not.


  1. ā€œNothingā€ is a big word. My self-esteem has suffered after one therapist explained they were at their wit's end but they would love to keep me as a research project. My suicidal thoughts have ebbed and flowed depending on the weather and if there is a cat to pet. My life has changed and with it my sense of self. The big constant? Living to die.

  2. ā€œConfidenceā€ is a big word. I am neither confident nor do I know what I am doing. I am as lost in life as this blog post in the Internet, and I am as drowning in it as it is in it, innit?

  3. ā€œHopeā€ is a big word. Yet as it turns out, I am able and willing to use big words in this post, while I am unable and unwilling to edit it after those words have been written. Let this post be a weird one, in anticipation of many even weirder ones to come.

#blogging #depression #identity #trans #transgender