Depressed notes #1
Some days are harder than others. For the last few days I slid further down a very unconstructive path. I've been thinking a lot about my present and my future, and I couldn't help but realize that I don't see any future. I often even struggle to see any present.
There are ups and downs, and lately there have been more downs than ups. I don't have the energy to write a sophisticated post about insights into my psyche... there are no insights, only resignation and despair.
I got overwhelmed by the fact that everything in life is so big. Achieving anything at all requires so much energy and passion. Even simply being myself is a mountain to climb, and I'm no rock climber at all. I'm worse than ill-suited for living in today's world1.
To my great astonishment, people have actually been reading this blog. And now I am afraid of scaring off people if I write too honestly about my state of mind. When I started this blog, I was concerned that I might let an imagined audience get into my head. Now that actually happened, even though I don't want to hold back. Yet I also don't want to let people down, I don't want to disappoint anyone. Some people were incredibly kind2, some even mentioned me when writing on their own blogs. I love you all, but I'm sorry I make it so hard to love me back.
Do you know the feeling when you are interested in something, and then you realize you're not actually that good at it? That is the feeling I feel for all things in my life. I'm currently studying at university, and working a bit on the side. To get ahold of myself, I decided to stay longer on the farm I mentioned in a few posts already. It's a beautiful and peaceful place but it's also simply an escape from reality for me. What do I want in life?
I thought about starting job training as a cheese maker, and just throwing my studies in the bin. Then I researched a bit more about the topic, and realized that I'm not at all passionate enough about cheese to go into that direction. There are so many options that are quite interesting. Studying sustainable development, or learning to be a farmer... Learning organic and sustainable farming is certainly important for the future of our world - but is it something I can imagine doing my whole life?
It's not that I'm afraid of being bad at what I do. I usually get to a point where I think to myself “now I'm pretty good at this”, and then I realize there is so much more to it than I was aware of. So much more in fact, that everything I do seems like a pitiful attempt at copying something better. I'm not afraid of that, I just realize it sooner or later with everything I do, which is very disheartening.
Cheese making will be no different, and my studies or farming as well. There will always be people who are more capable, and especially more passionate about the subjects than I can ever be. If I'm honest with myself, I don't want to do any of that anyway.
What I actually want is feeling like I belong. I never had a real relationship, and I never even had sex. My only relationship was an abusive torture that I endured for years because I was dependent on my partner, and because I didn't know better. I struggled with depression and dysphoria even more than today, and my partner exploited that vulnerability whenever and wherever she could. It didn't help that she was raised by clinically diagnosed narcissists. She alienated me from my friends and family, and I haven't really recovered since then.
The only thing I intimately know is loneliness. Feelings of being in the wrong body, thoughts of suicide, and an insane wish for true connection make for bad companions during countless sleepless nights. Still, there is no way out: being shy, having been bullied in school and at home, longing to be someone I wasn't. Then finally an abusive relationship to top it all off. My social skills are now below zero, my social anxiety at an all time high. I will never be able to connect with people, no matter what career I choose. And there will be no transition without a social environment that supports me.
To be honest, I'm not even passionate about being trans. Yes, when I finally shaved off my disgusting and annoying excuse of a beard today, I felt like I was finally a human again. I had suffered through wearing it for the last few months to feel more like a “man” - a futile attempt. I even liked looking at me in the mirror once the facial hair was gone. Why did I allow to have cut my hair back in my teens?! It was so nice and long, today it would be incredible. Why did everyone think having short hair would “help” me? Looking at my face again, I can now understand why the only girls who liked me when I was younger turned out to be lesbian. Still, I feel like I'm faking being trans. Nothing is real - is it just another role that I play?
In any case, being trans will make my social issues so much worse. How will I ever find new friends or even a partner if I'm so incredibly unsure about who I am, about what I want, and about life in general? How will I ever be able to connect to people if I'm a socially shunned weirdo who dreams of wearing girl's clothes3, while I'm socially inept and too anxious to be anything other than boring? It feels like I'm trying to fish in all the ponds at once, while actually fishing in none.
I'm so incredibly afraid of the future.
Not that I dream of “good old times”... there are none, especially not for someone like me.↩
I'm deeply sorry if I haven't replied to your email yet. It's just tough being here on earth right now, and I will reply later.↩
Yes, that's transphobia, and it's not what I think of being trans. Where I live though, it is what the majority of society thinks.↩