Blogging in a foreign language

October 10, 2023

I write this blog in English, which is not my native language. This might be apparent but I have good reasons: firstly, I want to practice my writing skills through this blog, and secondly writing in English helps me stay more anonymous while reaching a wider audience¹. The problem with that approach is that I struggle to express myself, and it takes a lot of energy. Though energy is exactly something is very scarce for me.

It is difficult to express what I want to say when writing in English. It makes it also harder for me to be nuanced, and I feel like my writing becomes dull and lifeless. I often forget important parts of what I initially wanted to say, which in turn makes my writing even less interesting. In the end, I feel like every post I write is only half-baked, and simply not that great.

I expected this to a certain extent, but I was surprised at how much writing feels like “work” and not like talking freely to anonymous strangers on the Internet. It takes me a lot of time to produce these write-ups, and in the end they appear unfinished, with language that sounds stilted and artificial. It is tedious work that feels much less gratifying than I initially hoped for.

So why do I continue? First off, I want to tell myself that I am doing this for a good cause. It is indeed rewarding to see that some people “toast” some posts, which means they probably read and even liked it. Even though I know I shouldn't give this too much weight (because in the end it is not about “toasts” but about growing as a person), it is still a nice thing to know, and I appreciate it! It is also rewarding to notice that writing the last few posts (especially “Am I transgender?” and “Who I see when I look in the mirror”) has helped me to reach a personal breakthrough that I struggled with since I was ~9 years old. That alone tells me: this blog is definitely worth it!

There is an underlying issue to all of this, which is also the biggest risk to the existence of my blog: my depression. My daily energy is so limited that I often struggle with the most basic daily tasks. Writing a blog post every day is becoming increasingly challenging for me, even though I try not to hold myself to too high a standard. The idea of writing “15 minute stories” also turned out as harder than it looked in the beginning: apparently writing a coherent story is difficult in so little time, especially if you don't have any ideas². When it is time to write, my brain simply freezes and pure nothingness prevails. No words this time, baby. Closed for construction.

Of course I hope that with time and practice, writing will become easier. Maybe it will also become easier if I am less distracted, or if I would actually finally decide to come out to real people, and maybe even transition? (tingle ✨) I was so preoccupied with the feelings and emotions that my trans posts evoked, that I was barely able to function all week. Maybe, nay definitely, I should give myself more time.

I am curious how other people writing in foreign languages experience this. Do they struggle with the same issues, i.e. an inability to properly express nuanced thoughts and ideas? How do they cope with that? And finally: how do I get to a point where writing feels less like work, and more like screaming into the void³?

In any case, it will be an interesting journey. I hope and wish for myself that I will follow through with it. One post per day, no matter how short, and no matter how boring. If my depression taught me anything, it is that nothing matters anyway. So why not continue my blog?

#blogging #foreign language #reflection #writing